Mom's gone-don't read if it will make you sad.

On Friday evening my mom passed away from Renal cancer.  It was a long hard battle, she was determined to never give into it or let it get in the way of living life to the fullest.  I remember as a kid worrying about the day my mom and dad would pass away and how I was ever going to be able to deal with it, I was hoping I would be at least in my 70's when it  happened  because  I thought  I might be  old enough to handle it by then, I imagined that they were around 100 years 
old when it happened.  Unfortunately, I don't think your ever old enough to handle it, but I know that it was too soon.  

My mom and me are a lot alike, we both don't like to cry because it gives us a headache, but mostly because we don't like to make others feel sad or uncomfortable so we cry when we are alone.  I call my mom atleast three times a week and we talk about our crazy dreams, what is going on in our lives and we laugh a lot, I am going to miss her so much I want to pick up the phone and call her right now because I know she would make me feel better.  We both love music, she would play the piano and I would sing for hours, we both love southern gospel music.  We also love to do anything crafty, I taught myself to crochet when I was a kid and then taught my mom and she has made  a  zillion  crocheted  things since. She  taught  me to  sew  when I was young, she   made  all of  my clothes  until I was  in Junior  High. My  mom was the best artist, that is  something  I didn't  inherit  from her,  I am not  very good at drawing.  

I couldn't have asked for a better mother, my friends use to say, "Your mom is so nice", and I had to agree, she was the perfect mom, she always said that she raised all four of us like only children and that was so true.  I think she dressed me until I was 12 and ran my bath water for me until I was in Junior High as well.  I remember the time that on St. Patrick's day she put green food coloring in my milk that was in my thermos for school, I think I was in the fourth grade, I was laughing so loud when I went to pour my milk at lunch time, I knew she was at home watching the clock and waiting for me to discover it.  Another time she crocheted these Oreo cookies and put them in my lunch sack on April fool's day when I was in beauty school, it was soooo funny.  She had the most incredible sense of humor and wit.  

I got a call from one of my mom's best friends the day after she died and she was talking about how proud she was of us and how wonderful she was and just then while I was looking at my computer screen my mom's picture popped up on my screen saver, it was a picture of her when she was visiting here and she had come to see where I worked and I was pretending to do an eye exam on her so I had this light shining in her eyes and she had her eyes really wide open and although it was a funny picture it is just so hard to look at.  I am going to have a headache now.  I am trying so hard to stuff all of the emotions down but they just keep coming out in waves, one minute I am numb, the next it is all right on the surface.  I know in time that it will get easier, but I also know that anytime you lose someone close to you that you lose a little of yourself and you are never the same, I miss my sister just as much today as I did the day she died and I want to call her too.  

I made a decision not to fly to Alabama right away, my dad didn't want anyone to come down right now but my brother and two nieces decided to go down anyway and I am glad they did, but I think I will come down after a month or so when everyone else gets back to their lives and I think my dad and brother will need me then more than now.

I am staying busy to keep my mind off of things, and although people might think it is not a good idea to avoid or deny my grief, I have to do it my own way, I can only take the reality of it all in short doses, then I have to busy myself, I will be fine.  Somehow I have managed to finish all of my wiring in my kitchen remodel and we have started to put the drywall back up, I am so grateful that I have this project right now, it is keeping me from dwelling on the negative.

I feel so fortunate to have gotten to visit her earlier in the month, although she was tired and weak, we were able to go out to lunch almost every day, we even went shopping one day and we sat and talked and talked like always.  When I left to go home and gave her the last hug, I knew I wouldn't see her again, and it was hard to keep it together, but being strong was something else I inherited from her.  I also talked to her the day before she went into the hospital and I kind of knew that was the last time I was going to hear her voice, I have always had a spiritual connection with her, my asthma has been its worst the whole week before she died, I could feel that something was wrong, my dad called me at work at about noon on friday and said they had removed the breating tube and she had passed, I was devastated, but I didn't feel she was gone yet, I thought I was just in denial, then when I got home the hospital called and said she hadn't passed, that they were mistaken, she was breathing on her own and responding to my dad's voice, I can't even  describe what emotions where going on in my head when I heard that.  I did know that 
it was still just a matter of time and later in the evening she did pass, my heart 
was palpatating and my asthma was getting worse all evening  and  all  of  a  sudden I felt better, about an hour later my dad called and said that she was gone.  I don't 
typically believe in that sort of thing, I am a huge skeptic, but all my life I could 
feel her presence.  I now feel empty. I am going to miss her so much!